I wake up every morning and embrace being a fool. Many would associate the word with other derogative terms, but I choose to see it as an opportunity to become something better. Every day, I am given the opportunity and privilege to learn something new. About myself, about God and everything around me. I wake up a fool but my heart is at ease for every night I lay, I lay wiser than when I woke. What better way to spend my late 20s than by evolving daily? What an honour! We only remain fools if we choose ignorance over knowledge…
February 16th, 2023
Dear diary
This has been an amazing week. From sharing my writing to
spending my birthday at Gold Reef City Theme Park. Whoop Whoop! My sister and I
decided to spend our day at the theme park. Sharing a birthday with her really
has its perks. Yes, we share a birthday and no, I don’t know if it was planned.
I wasn’t there. Anyway, it was raining that day and we only got to go on a
couple of rides. We used the rest of our time there to get cocktails. All I can
say is I haven’t stopped thinking about the “Desperate Housewife” cocktail(s) I
had. What a way to say hello to 26. I think our Uber driver was happy that we
had them too because that ride was nothing short of fun! Honestly, it was the
best birthday EVER!! And I am not exaggerating!
Panda and I got along too this week…kinda. Friday, she
was my best friend. She sang “Happy birthday Rethabile” from morning ‘til bedtime.
It was as sweet as the triple layered chocolate Gateau cake we had. Oh man,
what a cake. But really, that’s where the sweetness ended. On Sunday, baby girl
showed me flames. I had to leave during church service to take her to my gran’s
house. Church is a few streets and an open space away from my gran’s house but
it felt further with a toddler in hand and heels on feet! Yoh
I got back to church FUMING! The compliments I received, from
and to church, didn’t mean anything to me, but they were all right…I WAS SEXY!
DAMN. Anywhoooo, in my state of anger, turns out the sermon would cover and touch
on anger. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I had contemplated on
staying home with Panda after dropping her off but something pushed me to go
back to church. Hearing what God had to say about anger while I was angry was
very calming and humbling. Mara God, can you please show this little girl the
light and tell her to be more kind to mommy. I mean I gave her my body and gave
birth to her, it is the least she could do!
I learnt and realised that I have been angry for almost 2
decades now, and I was angry at myself. I accepted so many things and people in
my life because I thought that was what I deserved. I then took the decision to stop
being mad and work on being more kind to myself. I am now learning about myself as
though I am a new person and started seeing myself in a different light.
Example, I was watching Kung-Fu Panda yesterday and saw
myself in Po and Master Shifu. Sounds crazy but here is why
Just like Po, I know what it is I want out of life. I
know what my dreams and aspirations are, problem is I seek validation from
people already doing what I dream of and those that don’t even get the vision.
I give people way too much “airtime” to voice their opinions on what I want to
do when mine is the only one that matters. Po worked hard to be deemed worthy
to be recognized as the Dragon Warrior and to gain access to the scroll that
only the Dragon Warrior could have/read. You know what the scroll had? His
reflection!! At first he thought it was nothing but really, it was everything
he needed to become who he wanted to become. HIMSELF! Learning that I was the
only person that could turn my dreams into my reality gutted me because, I now
had to take accountability for everything that went wrong and responsibility
for all that is yet to come. Also, I learnt that my daughter identifies as a
Panda and that it has become more than a name
Now comes Master Shifu. This hit home as a parent. So
Shifu adopted Tai Lung, who happened to be the villain in the story. Because Tai
Lung was adopted, Shifu overcompensated. As parents we tend to want to give
children everything and end up promising the world, especially when we try to
fill a void. Shifu didn’t want Tai Lung feeling like he didn’t belong, so he
did everything to make him feel special. Even made him feel like he could be
the Dragon Warrior, leaving no room for disappointment…thus creating the
monster he became.
As a single mom, I tried to always give Panda more than I
could give. I felt as though I owed her so much for choosing myself over a
relationship that wasn’t good for me, which led to me being a single mom. I wanted
to overcompensate for the void I thought she would feel but what good would
come from creating a monster that feels entitled to everything because of my
actions? I learnt that as a parent, I need to deal with my issues outside of
parenthood. I also learnt that the void I was trying to fill wasn’t even Panda’s,
but mine.
Also, I want to be more like Po’s dad. That bird is
awesome!!
Yup, so that is what 26 has had for me so far. Cocktails,
movies and walking the streets of Dobsonville in heels!
Now to face another week and kill this motherhood gig! I don't get paid enough shame
Love, Rethabile The Mom
P.S
Ester 4;14
“Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a
time as this?”
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