Firstly, I would love to
take a moment just to thank God. During my 25th year of living, God has carried
me through and out of my darkest days, and into my continuous salvation and
achievements. I was able to not only learn how to stand my ground, but I actually
achieved 4 out of 6 main goals I set for myself beginning of 2022. This was,
and still is something I am very proud of because I usually get lazy or give up
halfway through the year. Not this time baby! I would also love to thank God
for the gift of motherhood, family and genuine friendships. Had it not been for
these people and relationships, I believe I wouldn't be here today
Secondly, you probably noticed
the name change. Now for those who are new here (this is me hoping I reached
new readers), the blog was once titled "Diary of a stay at home mom:
Retha's world". I know, I get it, it was long. Well I am proud to announce
that it is now and will forever be known as "Retha's Diary". Maybe
not forever, but you get it. Reasons behind the name change all came back to
the fact that I wanted to share more about Rethabile "the person" and
not just the mom. Now, without further ado, I welcome you all to my
diary...Retha's Diary.
February 9th, 2023
Dear diary.
I honestly can’t believe I will
be 26 in just a few hours. How the heck did this happen? Me, Rethabile Lerato
Mabalane, in my late 20's? “Somebody,
anybody, everybody, scream!!!”
It is kind of funny how just a
year ago, I was somewhat excited to be turning 25. A quarter of a century. Halfway
to 50. And now here I am complaining about turning 26 as though it was
inevitable. Anyway, the scariest thing about me aging is that Panda ages with
me. By the end of the first quarter of the year, I will be a 26 year old mom
with a 3 year old. It is true when they say "safe sex saves lives"
because wow, you age a lot more when there is a kid around. Please, don't get
me wrong, I love my daughter. She is by far the greatest gift, after life
itself, that God gave me...but couldn't God just have put her on layby? Or at
least given her my sister's attitude, instead of mine. I mean this girl makes
me realise just how mean and sassy I am. Oh, and the worst part is, my family
members and relatives enjoy saying I was exactly like her when growing up. I,
obviously, beg to differ because when I was almost 3, I didn't fight my mom for
her phone to watch D Billion videos on YouTube AND I
didn't know what the heck hand sanitizer was. BOOM! I was nothing like this
crazy monster. Child, I meant child.
Alright, now back to me. After
having gone through a traumatic experience, I took time off from writing
publicly. To be honest, I am glad I did. This allowed me to reconnect with my
family, my friends, my daughter, myself and most importantly, God. I had so
many questions I wanted to ask Him [God] but in the same breath, I knew I was
not ready for the answers. Funny thing is, even then, He remained. God is
really loyal shame, I will definitely give Him that.
During this time, I had an
afro, a beautiful one at that. I remember seeing a pair of scissors and
thinking "girl, you got your clothes burnt and destroyed and God blessed
you with a mom that took you on a shopping spree to cheer you up and make sure
you are good. What's losing a little hair?" And really, what was losing
hair that I knew would grow back? So I took those scissors and had my big
chop!! A relief I tell you. It was in that moment I started realising why the
things that happened, happened. The same way someone tried to take my
confidence by destroying my materialist items, was the same way I took what I
measured to be my standard of beauty and erase it from who I am. I was no
longer Rethabile with the good hair (Beyoncé reference) but just Rethabile.
Before the big chop and my
clothes being destroyed, I took a lot of pride in what I wore and how I wore
it. My confidence in how I looked sky rocketed. I found that I really liked
taking pictures and documenting the moments where I felt beautiful, so losing
my things felt horrible. I am fortunate enough to have my mom that still goes
out of her way to make me feel amazing. A whole wardrobe make over from her! I
am beyond blessed. It was in that moment I realised what I had to learn.
1. I needed to learn to depend
on God. Having been violated in the way I was, I had no one to turn to but God.
The blessing that came with had included me receiving more than I had lost.
2. I got to learn a lot more
about my parents. As much as I was the one violated, they went through it with
me. I had conversations with them, separately, and got to learn of who they
were and who they are. Must admit, they were a little cooler than I had
anticipated. Well done champs!
3. I got to view love differently.
I once dated someone who used to say his love is possessive. At first, I
romanticized it so much and thought it was sweet, but now I realise love
shouldn't be possessive but unconditional. Loving someone simply because you
possess them only means you love what you get from them and not who they are.
Love is beautiful and I get to experience it daily now. It is so much better
when you receive love from a place of peace and wholesomeness within yourself
4. I got the biggest and
greatest blessing. I got to enjoy motherhood. There are so many things I got to
learn about myself as a mom and learn more about my daughter. I still can’t
believe how strong I am as a mom. You genuinely can’t fuck with me when it
comes to my child! Bro, don't even think about it!
So really, not everything and
everyone you lose is a loss. As much as I lost so much, I gained more important
things. I fell in love with myself and the world around me. I fell in love with
God again. Man, my sister and I even bond through watching sermons together, especially
Michael Todd's. I spend time watching sermons by Priscilla Shirer and Words of
Encouragement by Poloko Mmakgolane. I have never felt so great about my
intrinsic self ever. I just love it here.
So as I bid farewell to 25 year
old Rethabile, and welcome my 26th year, I only wish to keep the lessons, love
and faith I received. I am beyond grateful for everything she fought for. For
paving a way for my career, securing my lineage's legacy and teaching me
unconditional love.
I love you, Rethabile. Forever
and Always!
Love, Rethabile
P.S
Psalm 46: 1-2
"God is our refuge and
strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when
earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea."
Comments
Post a Comment