A fool's honour: Kung-Fu Mama Panda

 I wake up every morning and embrace being a fool. Many would associate the word with other derogative terms, but I choose to see it as an opportunity to become something better. Every day, I am given the opportunity and privilege to learn something new. About myself, about God and everything around me. I wake up a fool but my heart is at ease for every night I lay, I lay wiser than when I woke. What better way to spend my late 20s than by evolving daily? What an honour! We only remain fools if we choose ignorance over knowledge…

 

February 16^th, 2023

Dear diary

 

This has been an amazing week. From sharing my writing to spending my birthday at Gold Reef City Theme Park. Whoop Whoop! My sister and I decided to spend our day at the theme park. Sharing a birthday with her really has its perks. Yes, we share a birthday and no, I don’t know if it was planned. I wasn’t there. Anyway, it was raining that day and we only got to go on a couple of rides. We used the rest of our time there to get cocktails. All I can say is I haven’t stopped thinking about the “Desperate Housewife” cocktail(s) I had. What a way to say hello to 26. I think our Uber driver was happy that we had them too because that ride was nothing short of fun! Honestly, it was the best birthday EVER!! And I am not exaggerating!

Panda and I got along too this week…kinda. Friday, she was my best friend. She sang “Happy birthday Rethabile” from morning ‘til bedtime. It was as sweet as the triple layered chocolate Gateau cake we had. Oh man, what a cake. But really, that’s where the sweetness ended. On Sunday, baby girl showed me flames. I had to leave during church service to take her to my gran’s house. Church is a few streets and an open space away from my gran’s house but it felt further with a toddler in hand and heels on feet! Yoh

I got back to church FUMING! The compliments I received, from and to church, didn’t mean anything to me, but they were all right…I WAS SEXY! DAMN. Anywhoooo, in my state of anger, turns out the sermon would cover and touch on anger. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I had contemplated on staying home with Panda after dropping her off but something pushed me to go back to church. Hearing what God had to say about anger while I was angry was very calming and humbling. Mara God, can you please show this little girl the light and tell her to be more kind to mommy. I mean I gave her my body and gave birth to her, it is the least she could do!

I learnt and realised that I have been angry for almost 2 decades now, and I was angry at myself. I accepted so many things and people in my life because I thought that was what I deserved. I then took the decision to stop being mad and work on being more kind to myself. I am now learning about myself as though I am a new person and started seeing myself in a different light.

Example, I was watching Kung-Fu Panda yesterday and saw myself in Po and Master Shifu. Sounds crazy but here is why

Just like Po, I know what it is I want out of life. I know what my dreams and aspirations are, problem is I seek validation from people already doing what I dream of and those that don’t even get the vision. I give people way too much “airtime” to voice their opinions on what I want to do when mine is the only one that matters. Po worked hard to be deemed worthy to be recognized as the Dragon Warrior and to gain access to the scroll that only the Dragon Warrior could have/read. You know what the scroll had? His reflection!! At first he thought it was nothing but really, it was everything he needed to become who he wanted to become. HIMSELF! Learning that I was the only person that could turn my dreams into my reality gutted me because, I now had to take accountability for everything that went wrong and responsibility for all that is yet to come. Also, I learnt that my daughter identifies as a Panda and that it has become more than a name

Now comes Master Shifu. This hit home as a parent. So Shifu adopted Tai Lung, who happened to be the villain in the story. Because Tai Lung was adopted, Shifu overcompensated. As parents we tend to want to give children everything and end up promising the world, especially when we try to fill a void. Shifu didn’t want Tai Lung feeling like he didn’t belong, so he did everything to make him feel special. Even made him feel like he could be the Dragon Warrior, leaving no room for disappointment…thus creating the monster he became.

As a single mom, I tried to always give Panda more than I could give. I felt as though I owed her so much for choosing myself over a relationship that wasn’t good for me, which led to me being a single mom. I wanted to overcompensate for the void I thought she would feel but what good would come from creating a monster that feels entitled to everything because of my actions? I learnt that as a parent, I need to deal with my issues outside of parenthood. I also learnt that the void I was trying to fill wasn’t even Panda’s, but mine.

Also, I want to be more like Po’s dad. That bird is awesome!!

Yup, so that is what 26 has had for me so far. Cocktails, movies and walking the streets of Dobsonville in heels!

Now to face another week and kill this motherhood gig! I don't get paid enough shame

 

Love, Rethabile The Mom

P.S

Ester 4;14

“Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Journey to the center of Rethabile...Introducing me

 Firstly, I would love to take a moment just to thank God. During my 25th year of living, God has carried me through and out of my darkest days, and into my continuous salvation and achievements. I was able to not only learn how to stand my ground, but I actually achieved 4 out of 6 main goals I set for myself beginning of 2022. This was, and still is something I am very proud of because I usually get lazy or give up halfway through the year. Not this time baby! I would also love to thank God for the gift of motherhood, family and genuine friendships. Had it not been for these people and relationships, I believe I wouldn't be here today

Secondly, you probably noticed the name change. Now for those who are new here (this is me hoping I reached new readers), the blog was once titled "Diary of a stay at home mom: Retha's world". I know, I get it, it was long. Well I am proud to announce that it is now and will forever be known as "Retha's Diary". Maybe not forever, but you get it. Reasons behind the name change all came back to the fact that I wanted to share more about Rethabile "the person" and not just the mom. Now, without further ado, I welcome you all to my diary...Retha's Diary.

 

February 9th, 2023

Dear diary.

 

I honestly can’t believe I will be 26 in just a few hours. How the heck did this happen? Me, Rethabile Lerato Mabalane, in my late 20's? “Somebody, anybody, everybody, scream!!!”

It is kind of funny how just a year ago, I was somewhat excited to be turning 25. A quarter of a century. Halfway to 50. And now here I am complaining about turning 26 as though it was inevitable. Anyway, the scariest thing about me aging is that Panda ages with me. By the end of the first quarter of the year, I will be a 26 year old mom with a 3 year old. It is true when they say "safe sex saves lives" because wow, you age a lot more when there is a kid around. Please, don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. She is by far the greatest gift, after life itself, that God gave me...but couldn't God just have put her on layby? Or at least given her my sister's attitude, instead of mine. I mean this girl makes me realise just how mean and sassy I am. Oh, and the worst part is, my family members and relatives enjoy saying I was exactly like her when growing up. I, obviously, beg to differ because when I was almost 3, I didn't fight my mom for her phone to watch D Billion videos on YouTube AND I didn't know what the heck hand sanitizer was. BOOM! I was nothing like this crazy monster. Child, I meant child.

Alright, now back to me. After having gone through a traumatic experience, I took time off from writing publicly. To be honest, I am glad I did. This allowed me to reconnect with my family, my friends, my daughter, myself and most importantly, God. I had so many questions I wanted to ask Him [God] but in the same breath, I knew I was not ready for the answers. Funny thing is, even then, He remained. God is really loyal shame, I will definitely give Him that. 

During this time, I had an afro, a beautiful one at that. I remember seeing a pair of scissors and thinking "girl, you got your clothes burnt and destroyed and God blessed you with a mom that took you on a shopping spree to cheer you up and make sure you are good. What's losing a little hair?" And really, what was losing hair that I knew would grow back? So I took those scissors and had my big chop!! A relief I tell you. It was in that moment I started realising why the things that happened, happened. The same way someone tried to take my confidence by destroying my materialist items, was the same way I took what I measured to be my standard of beauty and erase it from who I am. I was no longer Rethabile with the good hair (Beyoncé reference) but just Rethabile.

Before the big chop and my clothes being destroyed, I took a lot of pride in what I wore and how I wore it. My confidence in how I looked sky rocketed. I found that I really liked taking pictures and documenting the moments where I felt beautiful, so losing my things felt horrible. I am fortunate enough to have my mom that still goes out of her way to make me feel amazing. A whole wardrobe make over from her! I am beyond blessed. It was in that moment I realised what I had to learn. 

1. I needed to learn to depend on God. Having been violated in the way I was, I had no one to turn to but God. The blessing that came with had included me receiving more than I had lost.

2. I got to learn a lot more about my parents. As much as I was the one violated, they went through it with me. I had conversations with them, separately, and got to learn of who they were and who they are. Must admit, they were a little cooler than I had anticipated. Well done champs!

3. I got to view love differently. I once dated someone who used to say his love is possessive. At first, I romanticized it so much and thought it was sweet, but now I realise love shouldn't be possessive but unconditional. Loving someone simply because you possess them only means you love what you get from them and not who they are. Love is beautiful and I get to experience it daily now. It is so much better when you receive love from a place of peace and wholesomeness within yourself

4. I got the biggest and greatest blessing. I got to enjoy motherhood. There are so many things I got to learn about myself as a mom and learn more about my daughter. I still can’t believe how strong I am as a mom. You genuinely can’t fuck with me when it comes to my child! Bro, don't even think about it!  

So really, not everything and everyone you lose is a loss. As much as I lost so much, I gained more important things. I fell in love with myself and the world around me. I fell in love with God again. Man, my sister and I even bond through watching sermons together, especially Michael Todd's. I spend time watching sermons by Priscilla Shirer and Words of Encouragement by Poloko Mmakgolane. I have never felt so great about my intrinsic self ever. I just love it here.

So as I bid farewell to 25 year old Rethabile, and welcome my 26th year, I only wish to keep the lessons, love and faith I received. I am beyond grateful for everything she fought for. For paving a way for my career, securing my lineage's legacy and teaching me unconditional love.

I love you, Rethabile. Forever and Always!

Love, Rethabile

 

P.S

Psalm 46: 1-2

"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea."